kyra_watts

I wish i could be dedicated to this...
This time last year i was so small.. :-( I hate my body, i hate what i have become, its big, ugly, uncomfortable...

Today i AM fasting because i ate so much yesterday.. my mind is saying i know you will break down later, i know you will cave.. but i'm not going to.. i am going to win this battle..

So if it's 80% diet and 20% exercise that is what i will do..

This morning i walked the Max. i jogged a bit aswell. There is my 20% exercise.. And today i am eating nothing but gum and coffee and tea and water..

Tomorro i will restrict, Majorly! (Thursday)
I work at Noahs the take away shop tomorrow, so i cant be thinking about food.. I don't get a break anyway.

Plan. Get Up. Water. Take Max for walk. water. get ready for work. Apple. Gum. work 11 til 3. get home. Apple. walk (to Hall, back to top of hill and home). Banana (as dinner). Water. Walk (as before). Facebook/Lj/MSN. Water. Bed.

I will be back!

Soo yesterday I didn't end up going 4 a jog after dinner even tho I should of coz my friend cooked dinner and I had already had broccoli n sugarfree jelly then she came over and we had bread with avocado and chicken n vegie stirfry then a frozen yoghurt low fat and then I ate low fat yoghurt wen she left. Fat. Wasn't that full tho.. Maybe it won't hurt, I've lost a kilo n a bit since day 1. Lets go kyra! At the gym atm just found out I have 18 dollars 2 my name. Im so poor..

Lately, i just cant be bothered doing anything..
Im buggered.. Its only day 3....
I am excited for Friday.. I will finally get to clean my house.. and get things done,
and i dont have to work until 3 tomorrow which is a bonus too i guess!
However, i am sooo craving breaddddd and just shit food in general, which wouldnt bother me if there wasnt a loaf sitting right there in the freezer.. because i have no money to buy food anyway...
hmm.. Help me help me not binge.. :( I just don't think i will be able to keep this exercise up!! i bet one day i will be like fuck it..

GARR! why am i even talking like this Kyra its fricken easssyyy!!
Just dont eat shit and dont eat much!! Eating is 80% exercise is 20%..

I guess i am just stressing about money and being fat...
hmm..

Anyways.. I'm gunna go have a shower...

I've just looked bak n realised I eat a fairbit throughout the day but its all low cal.. So that's good for ur metabolism right??

Last nite I had mini binge on yoghurt, im not really bothrd coz its low fat low sugar and its really low cal but it was supposed to last me 5 days coz it had 5 serves in it but will now probably only last me 2! And im really poorrr..
Ok so at least I haven't exploded and binged on breaddd and shit.
Day 3,
Im at the gym at the moment, grr I hate the fucking bike!
Anyway, an hour here, then home..
B yoghurt
L carrot and lettuce salad with low cal dressing
S apple
D vegies
S jelly
Got to remember 2 make jelly! Then jog after dinner!

Soooo
Today
b yoghurt
l shake
s 2 green apples
d vegies
s sugar free jelly and a hot choc low cal
and lots of gum
went to gym for an hour this morn and a jog tonite

What was good about yesterday is I didn't think about going and eating.. Actually I lie, I did a little.. But I didn't give in! I sed yes a million times and then sed no 1 millionback!

Ok so yesterday I had
B yog
L shake
S grapes
D vegies
S sugar free jelly n a low cal hot choc.

E hour at gym and a jog

Today
B yog
L mshake
S sugar free jelly
D unsure! Nothing in house eek try skip or something small!

E hour at gym
Jog with jari and kc

Soooo for breakfast I hadd 296kj's (175grams of low fat low sugar yoghurt)

I just got back from the gym, I went on the bike, cross trainer and treadmill, all up it was about an hour of cardio, I didn't run because I wasn't wearing my tights and im going for a jog with kacey 2nite anyway =) I've decided im going to buy some p.k! I loveeee it n haven't had it for ages, and that can be my snacks today =)

I'm feeling positive about today =) yay!

Off to get ready for work!
Bye! Xx

P.s I <3 scott very much, he just rang while I was at the gym! Yay!

3 things I really want. To lose weight, fit in my clothes, not dissappoint scott.

Where has my motivation and disciplin gone?? I got on the scales this morning and aaparently I weigh 64 fucking kilos?! That's 2/3 more than when I was at my heaviest!! =( I want 2 kill myself! Surely this is the motivation that I need, how did it get this bad?! Fml.
At the gym now. New plan=
B- as normal
L- weightloss shake
D- lettuce with salad dressing in between if u get hungry, 1 almond. And water water water! Fuck coffee! Water water!

Scott comes home in 2 or 3 months kyra get ur fucking act together. No more shit no more alcohol! U don't have any clothes to go out in anyway!

Exercise- gym every morn, jog every night!

You only have to do an hour at the gym in the morn! One fucking hour!

No eating after 6.30pm even if it is just lettuce! Water water 2 to 3 litres a day!!

Simple rules, just get back 2 basics, you know how 2 do this, you have done it before

Today:

2 tblspns of porridge made with water
one hot choc low cal 190kj
water
2 sugar free mints

Im a fucking elephant.. but it ends today.. i go home in 1 day and i know i cant get skinny by then but i can sure as hell not eat!
KYRA!! remember when u didnt eat for like 2 days and just drank v and exercised hardcore and felt really sick but you were skinny so it didnt matter!? You can do that again!!

You just to need to believe it!!


Remember that?? When everything was perfect in life except your health, when u looked like a lollypop, wen ur body was small and cold.. and you liked it, you liked your body!
The day we took Mollie to the clinic, and you were cold and sick.. but u were small.. nothing else mattered because you were in control of yourself... Food did not control you...

Then remember when you used to slip and hate yourself, and now its a habit, a continuous Cycle.. Binge sleep fatter binge sleep fatter, you can do this Kyra.. Me! your mind believes you!
Don't Slip! you eat, the numbers go up you dont, they go down..
All those problems you have can be controled or solved by not eating...

Money- saved by not eating
Feeling self concious fat and ugly- solved by not eating
Happiness- achieved by getting thin
dissappointment- absent when you dont eat..

Don't go to food as ur first choice when you are stressed, Go to Livejournal! Gum! or Pepsi max!.... Food is not an option, Love those cramps you get, the nauseous feeling when u r hungry.. Hunger does not control you!

YOU! control you.. and nothing or nobody else! Go for that 9pm jog in the dark, noones going to rape you when you're fat and ugly anyway! Throw that Nutella in the bin, its not worth it anyway! Dont spend money on a binge, remember what you owe Scott!
Take pills, dont drink!

Be SKINNY.

I am proud of myself that i didnt binge last night, as a matter of fact i have only just eaten breakfast after 16 hours of no food :D

Last week i did really well, clean eating every day of the week, and exercise every day then on Sunday Monday and Tuesday i started bingeing but now i am back on track!!

Also i quit my job at muffin break yesterday!! and i have a job at Lorna Jane and Active living Womens sports clothing store..

The Jackson memorial is on.. its adtually quite sad..

My fitness has gotten better so quickly over the last week, for the last 3 or 4 days i have been jogging for an hour on the treadmill and its been easy!

Today: 6.20am- Sultana Bran

1pm - Protein shake

(I really want something sweet, i know i shouldnt but if i do end up i want to eat it this morning and then i will skip dinner)

Maybe that is what i should keep doing, skipping dinner, if i go to bed hungry i will lose..

BE STRONGG

helllooo!!
i am feeling so ready for today!! i actually think my motivation is back!!

TODAY!
b- sultana bran with raspberries and light soy milk

L- 2x Rice cakes with butter and vegemite

D- Wey protein shake

I cant wait until Saturday!!
I will feel so great! i feel skinnier already and that is because i'm so hungry!!
I am eating breakfast atm, I have also been having diet drinks and gum

I really wanna be skinny by 31st of July, i know i can do this! i feel so strong

If i keep up restricting and exercising as i do i know i will be skinny!

i have like 5 or 6 weeks, that is enough time to lose like 6 or 7 kilos :D

I think i might do a fast at some stage, maybe next week on a day off!!

On Saturday night EVERYONE is going out! i am so excited!! and next weekend i am working at the show all weekend so i am very exciteddd!!

ahh SO MOTIVATED!!

Come on girls! xx

hmm
I havent posted for a while,
well i havent been consistent with them, and that is because i am almost up to my highest weight again!!

Fuck! I mean exercise is fine but exercise is only 20% 80% is food intake and that has been horrible.. BUT since Monday i have been eating healthy.. i am so farking huge..

So today!!
I have had:

A small bowl of sultana bran with 3/4's cup raspberries and soy milk (only a little bit)
2 rice cakes with 1 tspn peanut butter
and for dinner i am having weight watchers custard

and as for exercise today has been really good!!
I went for a jog/walk then i went to the gym spend half an hour on the treadmill sprinting walking jogging and then half an hour on the bike,omg i almost died! so thats like an hour and a half of exercise today!
I am soooooo happy to be back on here i have been looking at old fotos and being so depressed, but in all honesty i can get back to there!! i know i can, so restricting it is!!

I look forward to my custard and i can have tea and sugar free gum and drinks, so atm i weigh about 60kgs.. :( i wanna be 55 then 51, back to what i was b4!! sooo my first gw shuld take about 2-3 weeks!! ahh!! so here we go, u wil see a lot me from now on..

I work tonight, at muffin break. that shop is the reason i am so huge and my binges eww..

What i liked about being skinny, feeling cold, being small, no rolls, small bumb, fitting into my clothes, bones, no boobs...

so nothings changed, i am stil a fat fuck.. i am hopeless... i know i need to believe in myself for things to happen but grrrr fuck!


hmm, I wish it were easier. i see all these girls with brilliant fucking metabolisms.. i want to be perfection... fuck perfection, small and fragile, empty.. FUK IT ALL..

i am far from perfection, i am a FUCKING MUFFIN, the ones i hopelessly consume daily, fuckkkkkkk, life is too short to fuck up... FUCK UPPPPPPPP!

Get ur fucking act together girl.

Hello!!
I really need to post on here more..
I have gained alot of weight, i will weigh in in the morning
Yesterday i liquid fasted and then had a chicken salad for dinner..
Today i walked up castle hill and i have had a forme yog
I will have a large juice at work and then i duno what for dinner..
Hmm..

I am so unhappy with how I look.. So fat uncomfortable stumpy... yet I still binge at nite.. Okay not on unhealthy food but on unhealthy portions.. And at night! I have the best day go to the gym restrict and then nite comes.. My weekness at the moment is dried fruit and nuts.. Especially bananas dry nanas.. Omg.. I love them.. And the prob is its hard to estimate the calories in them.. I need some kitchen scales..I had muslie cereal for breakfast and I've done 20min power walking, an hour of body combat and I am on the treadmill as we speak.. So far I've burnt 102cal on the treadmill so far rite now.. I think I mite eat fruit and veg for the rest of the day.. I hav 2 work 2nite so I mite steam some brocoli at work.. But I have a bag of dried bananas I bought why did I buy them! So many calories! Ok so allowance 4 rest of day, 1 apple, 20 grapes, 10 pieces of dried banana and the broccoli that's in my fridge

When people say its not ed related I think that it is, because everything that constantly fucks up in life is often caused by our eds so there u go..got family problems, blame the ed, got friend or guy problems, blame the ed... hmm